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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23851942">Lost Autonomy</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ettaberry_tea/pseuds/ettaberry_tea'>ettaberry_tea</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Deep Space Nine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abortion content warning, But Julian decides not to go through with it, Gender Dysphoria, Heavy Angst, M/M, Medical Procedures, Trans Julian Bashir, Unplanned Pregnancy, still pro choice</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 06:14:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,308</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23851942</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ettaberry_tea/pseuds/ettaberry_tea</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When Bashir discovers that he's pregnant, he faces a decision he never wanted to make in the first place.</p><p>Basically, this is the darker cousin to all of the fluffy (and highly enjoyable) mpreg fics with Bashir. If pregnancy, abortion, and graphic descriptions of birth are things that upset you, then please don't read this.</p><p>Rated Mature for graphic content, not sexy times.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>casual Julian Bashir/Elim Garak</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Heartbeat</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Doctor Girani sat at the computer terminal, looking over the data from her scan. Doctor Bashir sat on the edge of the bio bed in a purple gown, nervously swinging his legs. He hated being the patient, but Starfleet wouldn’t let him be his own doctor, and anyways, this time he really needed someone else’s help.</p><p>“Well,” said Doctor Girani, “I agree. You’re definitely pregnant. I’d put you at eleven weeks.”</p><p>Hearing Doctor Girani confirm his worst fear, Bashir put his hands over his face. “Oh god,” he breathed.</p><p>Girani got up and put a hand on Bashir’s shoulder. Bashir squeezed his eyes shut, tears running down his cheeks. “I can’t go through with this.”</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> &gt;&gt;----------o----------&lt;&lt; </p>
</div>When Doctor Bashir had asked to speak to Sisko about a personal matter, Sisko had not expected to learn that his male CMO was pregnant.<p>They both sat in Sisko’s quarters. Jake was out somewhere, probably causing trouble. Sisko poured himself another glass of wine. He was going to need another drink to get everything Bashir was telling him to settle in his head. Bashir kept picking up his glass and setting it down again, not drinking it.</p><p>“Do you know how this happened?”</p><p>“Sex, obviously,” said Bashir, glumly.</p><p>“No, I meant…” Sisko tried to think how to rephrase the question.</p><p>“I had unprotected sex with someone who’s species is not reproductively compatible with humans. The problem is, I’m not a human, am I.”</p><p>“You seem like a human to me, Doctor.”</p><p>“Indeed, I <i>seem</i> like a human,” said Bashir, darkly. “Apparently, my dear father thought it would be a fantastic idea to make me genetically compatible with as many species as possible. It was also his idea that I should have a uterus of course. Everything about my body is all a part of his grand design.”</p><p>Sisko leaned back against the sofa he was sitting on and took a long sip of his wine. He frowned up at the ceiling and then sat up straight again.</p><p>“What I don’t understand is why you still have a uterus. Why didn’t you have it removed?”</p><p>Bashir laughed. Sisko didn’t see what was funny.</p><p>“That's a fair question I suppose. How do I explain, um… If I had a hysterectomy, I would lose my ability to be able to reproduce, especially since genetic modifications are illegal so I can’t just reverse what my parents did to me.”</p><p>“But you have said many times that you don’t want to get married or have children,” said Sisko, rubbing his head.</p><p>“I still don’t. It’s ah… I didn't want to give up my choice, I guess. Not all men with functioning testicles get a vasectomy when they don’t want kids. I’m regretting keeping it now, that’s for sure.”</p><p><i> I really don’t understand,</i> thought Sisko. <i>But, maybe that doesn’t matter.</i></p><p>Julian picked up his wine glass for the fiftieth time, took a sip, and then spat it back into the glass. Sisko got up and got him  a cup of tarkalian tea. “Thanks,” said Bashir. “It feels weird to drink alcohol while pregnant, even though I’m scheduled for an abortion.”</p><p>“That makes sense, I suppose,” said Sisko.</p><p>They sat in silence for a while. Bashir stared into his tea. “What is it like being a dad?” he asked, suddenly.</p><p>Sisko raised his eyebrows. “It’s the greatest adventure I’ve ever taken.”</p><p>Bashir smiled. “That’s certainly saying something, coming from a Starfleet Commander.”</p><p>“I worry a lot,” said Sisko. “Sometimes I can’t fall asleep because I’m worrying about Jake. He’s worth it though. That’s part of being a parent.”</p><p>Bashir nodded and took a sip of tea. “You’d go through with it then,” he said, almost to himself.</p><p>“Pardon?”</p><p>“If you had to be the one to carry Jake inside yourself.”</p><p>Sisko coughed on the wine he had just drunk. That was an uncomfortable thing to ponder. “I don’t know what decision I would have made if I had been in your position. I certainly don’t regret becoming a father, but I understand that it’s not a path everyone wants to go down.”</p><p>Bashir put his mug down and smiled at Sisko. “Thank you for letting me share something personal with you, Commander. I just needed to tell someone. It’s exhausting keeping secrets.”</p><p>When Bashir left, Sisko poured himself a third glass of wine.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> &gt;&gt;----------o----------&lt;&lt; </p>
</div>“It has a heartbeat,” said Bashir, pointing his medical tricorder at his abdomen. “132 bpm.”<p>Doctor Girani frowned. “Are you having second thoughts doctor?”</p><p>“No, no I’m not.”</p><p>Doctor Girani stepped away from the bio bed and pulled the curtain between them to give Doctor Bashir privacy so that he could change into a gown.</p><p>It was strange to see her colleague and commanding officer looking vulnerable and nervous. Doctor Girani exchanged a glance with Nurse Jabara, who was aligning the bio bed sensors to detect Bashir’s heart rate and blood pressure. “When did you last eat, Doctor?” Jabara asked.</p><p>“Not since yesterday. I haven’t had any breakfast.”</p><p>Doctor Girani scanned Bashir with her medical tricorder one last time, then folded the lower third of the bio bed down and attached the stirrups. “Whenever you’re ready, Doctor.”</p><p> </p><p>Doctor Bashir squeezed his legs tightly together. He looked nauseous. “Hmm, you’re going to have to give me a sedative if you want to get anywhere near me, I’m afraid.” He laughed awkwardly. “I’m feeling very dysphoric right now, and I’m on the verge of having a panic attack.”</p><p>Nurse Jabara put a breathing mask over Bashir’s nose and mouth.</p><p>“Start at 10 ppm, Nitrous Oxide,” said Doctor Girani.</p><p>“Deep breaths, Doctor,” said Nurse Jabara. “This will all be over soon.” She offered Bashir her hand, and he took it.</p><p>After a few minutes, Nurse Jabara helped Bashir put his feet in the stirrups and increased the Nitrous Oxide concentration at Doctor Girani’s instruction. “Are you ready, Doctor?”</p><p>Doctor Bashir nodded sleepily. </p><p>Doctor Girani pulled on her gloves. She had seen lots of alien genitalia, including many Terran genitalia at her posting on Deep Space Nine, so nothing really surprised her anymore. She moved Bashir’s penis out of the way and slid a well lubricated speculum into him.</p><p>Bashir mumbled something and tried to take one of his feet out of the stirrups. Jabara put his foot back in place. “Just a little longer, Doctor.”</p><p>Doctor Girani numbed Bashir’s cervix and switched on the aspirator. Bashir took his other foot out of the stirrups and said something to Nurse Jabara.</p><p>“He’s saying wait,” said Nurse Jabara.</p><p>Doctor Girani switched the aspirator off. She stood next to Bashir, who was trying to pull off his breathing mask. “Give him oxygen,” she said. “What’s wrong, Doctor?”</p><p>“Don’t,” he said.</p><p>“Don’t what?”</p><p>“I don’t want to do this.”</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> &gt;&gt;----------o----------&lt;&lt; </p>
</div>Bashir didn’t remember what he had said when he was fully conscious and was confused.<p>“We don’t have to do this today. Maybe you should talk to counsellor Telnorri,” suggested Doctor Girani.</p><p>Doctor Bashir nodded and looked at his lap, wrapping his arms around himself.</p><p>Counselor Telnorri was available that evening. </p><p>“Maybe I am more on the fence than I realized,” said Bashir, lying on the sofa in Telnorri’s office and hugging a pillow in his arms.</p><p>“Perhaps so,” agreed Telnorri, inferring the meaning of Bashir’s expression. “Do you know what it is that’s stopping you?”</p><p>Bashir scrunched his face into his thinking expression. “No… I don’t know. I’ve performed abortions on patients before, and I believe that it’s important that everyone has a choice whether or not they grow life inside of them. It’s just… it’s different because now I’m the patient and I… I don’t know.”</p><p>When Bashir didn’t say anything else, Telnorri said, “We judge ourselves more harshly than we judge others. Is it that you are experiencing guilt about making the decision to get an abortion?”</p><p>“Mmm, that’s not quite it,” said Bashir.</p><p>Telnorri gave him time to think. </p><p>“It’s, ah, just, I never pictured myself having to make this decision, especially not at eleven weeks. It’s not just a clump of cells anymore. It’s got a brain, and a heartbeat, and fingers.”</p><p>Bashir suddenly sat up and looked at Telnorri. “I know I have a choice, but it doesn’t really feel like I do. I don’t want to be in this situation in the first place! Either I completely destroy myself mentally, or I kill my baby!”</p><p>Telnorri nodded. “When you put it that way, either way you lose.”</p><p>“Exactly!”</p><p>Bashir buried his head in his hands and groaned.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> &gt;&gt;----------o----------&lt;&lt; </p>
</div>Garak was half dosing, half reading when his door chimed. He got up to answer it. “Doctor! What an unexpected pleasure. Do come in!”<p>Something was definitely off. He got Bashir a cup of tea and invited him to sit down. “You’ve never shown up unannounced at this hour before. What is on your mind?”</p><p>“Nothing, it’s just, ah… Do you have any children Garak?”</p><p>That definitely caught Garak off guard. “None to my knowledge, dear Doctor. Whatever caused you to wonder?”</p><p>Bashir didn’t answer Garak’s question, and instead posed another. “If you had fathered a child, hypothetically, what would you do?”</p><p>“Are you trying to tell me something Doctor? Does one of your patients think I’m the father of her child?”</p><p>“No, just tell me. What would you do?”</p><p>Garak frowned. “Is this hypothetical pregnant woman a Cardassian? On Cardassia, a child must have a father or else he will be considered a bastard. I’d either have to marry her, or she’d have to find someone else to be her husband quickly.”</p><p>“And if they’re not a Cardassian?”</p><p>“Then… I’d probably have to pay child support? I doubt I’d make a suitable parent. I don’t know what the laws are here. Why are you asking me this?”</p><p>Bashir sighed and put his tea down. He closed his eyes. “What would you do if I told you that you got me pregnant?”</p><p>He looked over at Garak. Garak stared at him with wide eyes, trying to speak.</p><p>“How is that possible?” He said finally.</p><p>“I don’t know. What would you do?”</p><p>“I… I don’t know, I’ve never… How did this happen? What do you want me to do, Julian?”</p><p>Bashir got up and headed for the door.</p><p>“Wait! Wait, don’t leave, I’m sorry Doctor, please. I don’t know what to say!”</p><p>Garak pulled on Bashir’s arm, turning him around. Bashir was crying.</p><p>“Are you thinking about keeping it?” asked Garak.</p><p>Bashir nodded.</p><p>“All right then.”</p><p>Garak put his arms around Bashir. His mind felt numb.</p><p>“We’ll figure it out,” he said.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I realize that I've picked a topic that makes lots of people upset, but I'm drawing from my own feelings about pregnancy, so, whatever you have to say, please be kind.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Support</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW for transphobia</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Adoption isn’t the same as abandoning a child Garak.”</p><p>Garak was measuring Bashir for some new clothes. Bashir’s baby bump was starting to make it difficult to keep his belly button from showing.</p><p>“I Doubt anyone would want a half Cardassian-half Terran child,” he said.</p><p>“There’s many families in the federation looking to adopt who would adore a half Cardassian child. Not everyone is prejudiced.”</p><p>“If that’s true, then why are the war orphans on Bajor still without families?”</p><p>Bashir sighed. “Because everyone wants babies.”</p><p>Garak tilted his head up in a haughty manner. “That seems prejudice to me, Doctor. Are you so sure your precious federation is without prejudice?”</p><p>Garak sat down and began entering the measurements into his design software program.</p><p>“There’s people who would want it, all right? It’s an option.”</p><p>Garak did not look convinced, nor sold on the idea.</p><p>“The other single parents on this station were widowed with older children. A baby is a full-time job. I can’t be a single parent and continue to be chief medical officer.”</p><p>“Then I should marry you,” said Garak, matter-of-factly, not looking up from his work.</p><p>“That’s not what I was trying to say, besides you didn’t seem interested in being a parent.”</p><p>“You determined that in a most indirect way, while claiming it was all hypothetical!” said Garak, indignantly.</p><p>Bashir studied Garak as the tailor worked. He tried to imagine Garak changing diapers and was amused.</p><p>“So… you want to be a parent then?”</p><p>“No, but once you’ve gotten rid of that daft idea of giving our baby to a stranger, I shall certainly rise to the occasion,” said Garak, his eyes still on his work. “I hardly see what’s so amusing doctor, I’m serious.”</p><p>“I know you are,” said Bashir, grinning.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> &gt;&gt;----------o----------&lt;&lt; </p>
</div>Bashir didn’t expect Chief O’Brien to take the news that he was pregnant with Garak’s baby very well, but he was surprised by Dax’s reaction.<p>“What were you thinking Julian?!” she cried.</p><p>They were sitting at Quarks. Bashir had decided to break the news to everyone at once, instead of letting them gossip about his ever-increasing size.</p><p>“He wasn’t, that’s what,” said O’Brien, “when he let that Cardie into his pants.”</p><p>“He’s tortured people Julian! That’s barely even a secret.”</p><p>“I know he has!” said Bashir. “You’re not adding any new information here!”</p><p>“I don’t understand,” said Major Kira. “Did he rape you? Also, how are you pregnant?”</p><p>“God, no, he didn’t rape me. As hard as it is for everyone here to believe, we had sober, consensual, highly enjoyable I might add, sex <i>multiple times.</i>”</p><p>Kira’s disgusted face was nothing in comparison to O’Brien’s, who gaged like he was about to vomit. Dax emptied her scotch glass and motioned to Quark to fill it up again.</p><p>“I can’t believe you're keeping it,” said O’Brien. “How did this even happen? Are Cardassians parasitic? Do they lay eggs in people?”</p><p>“I have a uterus. I’m a man with a uterus. A functional one, with ovaries and everything. Now everyone knows about my reproductive organs and is probably picturing me naked.”</p><p>O’Brien frowned. “So, you’re actually a w…”</p><p>“No. I’m a man, Miles. Having a uterus does not negate that fact.”</p><p>“But you have a penis!” O’Brien practically shouted, making the entire bar glance at their table. “I’ve seen it!”</p><p>Bashir rested his head on the table and buried his face in his arms.</p><p>“Although I’m sure everyone is as fascinated by our Chief Medical Officer’s genitalia as you are,” said Dax to O’Brien, “let’s return to the fact that Julian’s pregnant with <i>Garak’s,</i> i.e. the Cardassian spy’s, <i>baby.</i>”</p><p>“It’s still legal to have an abortion,” said Kira. “Especially since the fetus is half Cardassian. We wouldn’t judge you.”</p><p>“I made up my mind, I’m keeping it,” said Bashir. “That’s final. Anyways, there’s no way I’d choose to have an abortion at fourteen weeks. That option has passed for me. I’m having this baby, and you all can either be supportive or let me be.”</p><p>“We all support <i>you</i> Julian,” said Dax. “We’re just scared for you.”</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> &gt;&gt;----------o----------&lt;&lt; </p>
</div>Bashir was surprised to find an ally in Keiko O’Brien. “I know it wasn’t something that either of you planned, but you both will make wonderful parents,” she said, putting a pillow behind Bashir’s back (Garak, had, in fact, proven serious about rising to the occasion and becoming a co-parent).<p>Keiko and Garak were unpacking boxes in Garak and Bashir’s new family quarters. Bashir was already tired out. He was at twenty-nine weeks now and now had a sizable bump. “I’m actually starting to look forward to becoming a dad,” he said.</p><p>He was in research mode, data padds scattered all around him.</p><p>“His newest idea these days is that we should raise our poor child on a sugar free diet,” said Garak. “It’s child abuse.”</p><p>“You and I have very different ideas on what constitutes child abuse,” said Bashir.</p><p>“Miles and I went through a similar phase as new parents,” said Kaiko. “Don’t worry, he’ll break down eventually.”</p><p>“I am not going through a phase,” protested Bashir. “I just care about nutrition. Is that so wrong?”</p><p>“Of course not,” said Kaiko, “Just don’t beat yourself up when you inevitably can’t meet your own high expectations.”</p><p>Kaiko helped Garak put together baby furniture and then had to leave to pick up Molly from a playdate.</p><p>“Let me help put that together,” said Bashir, getting up.</p><p>“How about you help by reading the instructions so that you don’t have to sit on the ground,” suggested Garak, watching Bashir start to lower himself.</p><p>“No, I’m alright with sitting on the ground,” said Bashir.</p><p>He squatted and then, ungracefully, sort of fell onto his butt. He sat with his legs sticking out, leaning back with his arms propping him up. “All right, that was harder than I thought and now I have to pee.”</p><p>“Do you need help getting up?” asked Garak, who was searching for a missing screw. </p><p>“No, no, I can do this,” said Bashir.</p><p>He managed to get himself onto his hands and knees. Garak found the missing screw where Bashir had been sitting.</p><p>“Okay, maybe I do need help.”</p><p>Bashir held onto Garak’s arms for support and got to his feet. Garak kissed his forehead affectionately.</p><p>“I’m ready for this to be over,” said Bashir. “I want to feel at home in my own body again.”</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> &gt;&gt;----------o----------&lt;&lt; </p>
</div>“It’s Julian’s specialty,” said Dax. “We’re going to need him if we have any hope of finding and destroying the biological weapon.”<p>Sisko rubbed his temple. He did not want to ask Bashir to go on an away mission when his Chief Medical Officer was barely able to even tie his shoes without help, but he didn’t have many options.</p><p>“It will just be for a week at most,” said Sisko to Bashir. “I’m sorry to ask.”</p><p>“Never apologize for asking me to do my duty and save billions of lives,” said Bashir. “I’m still a Starfleet officer. I’ll pack extra medical supplies just to be safe.”</p><p>Bashir boarded the USS Ganges with Dax, Sisko and O’Brien.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> &gt;&gt;----------o----------&lt;&lt; </p>
</div>The USS Ganges entered the Noram system, heading for Norta II, a planet stricken with civil war and shady governments. Just as the planet appeared on the view screen, they were welcomed by a large war vessel.<p>“Hail them,” said Commander Sisko.</p><p>“I’m not getting a response,” said Bashir.</p><p>“They’re charging weapons,” warned Dax.</p><p>“Shields up!”</p><p>The war vessel began to fire on them.</p><p>“Evasive maneuvers. Target weapons,” ordered Sisko.</p><p>“Who are these people?” said Chief O’Brien. “Why are they firing on us?”</p><p>The USS Ganges shook violently as it took a direct hit. “Shields down to forty percent,” reported O’Brien.</p><p>“Get us out of here Dax,” said Sisko. “Full impulse.”</p><p>“They’re still firing on us!” said Bashir.</p><p>Another direct hit sent sparks flying throughout the cabin. “Damage to our port nacelle.”</p><p>The USS Ganges rocked with yet another direct hit. The consoles went dark and then rebooted on backup power. “Shields at twenty percent. We can’t take much more of this!” Warned Chief O’Brien.</p><p>“Hail them again,” said Sisko.</p><p>“No response,” reported Bashir.</p><p>“Captain, there’s an L class moon bearing 380 mark 15,” said Dax.</p><p>The USS Ganges shuddered and sparked. “Take us in Dax!” said Sisko.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> &gt;&gt;----------o----------&lt;&lt; </p>
</div>Smoke filled the cabin. Coughing, Chief O’Brien opened the starboard hatch, letting in fresh air and light.<p>Doctor Bashir pulled himself up off  the floor, using a console for support, and made his way over to Dax, who was slumped over in her seat. Her forehead was bleeding.</p><p>“Dax? Can you hear me?” said Bashir, gently touching her shoulder.</p><p>Dax stirred and mumbled something. Bashir pulled out his medical tricorder and scanned her head.</p><p>“Is she going to be all right, Doctor?” asked Sisko.</p><p>“I think so,” said Bashir, pressing a hypo-spray to Dax’s neck. “She’s going to have a killer headache though.”</p><p>Suddenly, Bashir doubled over in pain, and yelled.</p><p>“Julian,” said Dax, becoming fully conscious. “Are you okay?”</p><p>Julian touched his inner thigh. His black pants were damp. He looked at his hand. His fingers were tinged with blood. He silently turned his hand to show Dax. They looked at each other in horror.</p>
  </div></div>
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